why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
