Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Randomize
