can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize
