he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
