Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
