so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
