I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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