well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
