Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
