Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
