it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
She needs sedatives and a leash
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
