hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
