If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
