I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
