Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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