it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
