went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
