Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
