he told me I talked like a deaf person
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
