The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
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