Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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