I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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