How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
