I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
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