dude i'm inner monologue high
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
