new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
