Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
