Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
