Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
