Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
