we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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