I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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