I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
