If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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