Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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