Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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