am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
We left an ass print on the piano.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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