I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
