It's like a parade of train wrecks.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
