which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
