Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
