Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
