This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
a search helicopter?!
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
