Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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