I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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