dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
