So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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