I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
