Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
