I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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