I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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